Clients of the world: this is what you sound like to us.

"I can't offer you any payment, but you'll get great exposure!"
"I can't offer you any money for this car, but everyone will see me driving around in it!"

"My son/brother/sister/aunt/dog/goldfish/pot plant knows how to use a computer and they can do that design work for nothing."
"My son/brother/sister/aunt works in a pharmacy, they can do my heart surgery for nothing."

"I like it, but can you make it 'pop' a bit more?"
"To get to my house, simply turn bloobly at the smoo, and then tweedle gubble blonky dink."

"If you change the background to purple and brown it'll make it stand out more."
"If I get a vast pink afro and wear tie-dye clown pants all the time, it'll make me stand out more."

"If you change the font to Comic Sans, it'll seem less intimidating."
"If you lower your IQ by 70 points, you'll seem less intimidating."

"Actually, can you do me a proof from the other mockup? It's not quite right somehow."
"Actually, can you cook me a whole new meal? That one wasn't quite right somehow."

"What do you MEAN it took you 30 hours to do that illustration?! You're doing it all on a computer!"
"What do you MEAN it took you ten hours to fly across the Atlantic?! You travelled on a plane!"

Anyone got any more?